


The Pie Effect (or How Everyone Tries to Distract Dean With Pie)

by xsilverdreamsx



Category: Supernatural TV Series
Genre: M/M, genre:crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-03
Updated: 2011-06-03
Packaged: 2017-10-22 14:56:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/239273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xsilverdreamsx/pseuds/xsilverdreamsx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suddenly everyone wants to offer Dean pie. It’s a distraction, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pie Effect (or How Everyone Tries to Distract Dean With Pie)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Etharei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etharei/gifts).



> Set in Season 5, and written with every intention that S5 Episode 13 didn’t exist, and that Anna is still nice.
> 
> This was written as a gift for etharei who was inspiring and enabling this madness, and beta'ed by dansetheblues. Also translated into Korean by [](http://stella001.livejournal.com/profile)[**stella001**](http://stella001.livejournal.com/)on [ her blog](http://blog.naver.com/dlacodmsdh/110111320310) and a Korean-based [Misha fan community](http://cafe.naver.com/mishacollins/7039).

  
Dean is suspicious.

Well, Dean's always suspicious, but today, he eyes everyone that comes within a ten mile radius of Castiel with more suspicion than usual. He’s not really sure why, but he thinks he has a pretty good idea.

He has to look out for the angel. I mean, losing your angel mojo is a pretty big deal. Cas can still zap around like Tinkerbell, but he’s lost his angel GPS and now has a cheap Nokia to help him figure out Dean’s location. Plus, Cas has lost his healing abilities and all that jazz, so Dean has to fall back on their old-school methods of sewing themselves up whenever a fight with a monsters gets a little too bloody for them.

It starts in the morning with Anna. Dean stumbles out of bed, bleary-eyed, cursing the fact they had just gone to bed an hour ago and don't angels ever learn to knock or ring a doorbell instead of appearing in someone's room without warning? No matter.

Anna's standing there at the foot of his bed, wide-eyed and practically beaming.

With pie.

No, it isn't a metaphor for some demonic/angelic object. She has actual pie (lemon, it seems, from the smell when Dean sniffs the air, testing it like a foxhound) balanced in one hand, in a tin foil plate. Two more steps brings him closer to the pie, and he sees that it’s a lemon meringue pie, all white crested top with fluffy-looking swirls and puffs.

Over on the other bed, Sam stirs a little and then rolls over on his back. His mouth drops open slightly, followed by light snoring sounds.

“Hi, Dean.” She gives him a huge smile, showing all white and bright teeth.

Dean narrows his eyes. Anna is too cheerful, too bubbly and looking rather maniacal with that Joker-like grin.

“What do you want, Anna?”

“I was just looking for Castiel.”

“He’s not here. Why are you looking for him?”

“Just wanted to say hi - look, I brought you some pie!”

“You made pie?”

Anna beams at him again, and nods her head vigorously.

It's just pie, right?

And who is Dean to say “No” to a pie, baked by an angel? It would almost be a blasphemy.

Of course, Dean is right. That’s what he’s telling himself anyway.

Pleased with his logic, Dean reaches out and takes the pie from Anna.

Sam wakes up and blinks at the scene consisting of his brother looming over pie and an angel watching him loom.

“Dean?” His voice comes out hoarse and slightly cracked.

Anna continues to beam at Dean. Grinning back, he tilts his head over to his younger brother a little and tells him, “It’s nothing, dude. Go back to sleep.”

Sam thinks that this is a brilliant idea, and rolls over to his side and falls back into sleep again.

  


~~~*~~*~~~

  
The next person to act weird was Crowley. Well, Crowley was always being weird, acting like a cross between Paris Hilton and Bobo the circus clown. And that was him on a good day. Ever since Dean had caught Crowley looking at him the same way as a cat eyes its dinner, Dean had been careful to put ample space between him and the demon.

So when Crowley appears in their motel room, with pie in hand and offering it to Dean with a huge smile, the last thing on Dean's mind was to eat it. But when the demon shifts the pie over to the other hand, the smell drifts spicy and sweet, and Dean thinks to himself, _Sweet potato pie._

His mouth waters a little.

“Dean! Lovely day, isn't it?”

Dean glares. “What do you want, Crowley?”

Shoulders shrugging, Crowley answers casually, “Same thing I want every day. Immense power and Lucifer trapped in the cage, blah blah blah. Oh, and a nice bottle of 1945 Mouton-Rothschild, Pauillac. Just because,” he pauses, and actually winks, before continuing, “I'm worth it.”

Dean rolls his eyes, and then continues glaring at Crowley.

“Oh settle down, pretty boy. I'm just looking for Castiel.”

“Why?”

“No reason. Just to say hi. How are you. How's the weather. Been fluffing your wings lately? That sort of thing. Very casual.” Crowley's hands waves around as he answers nonchalantly.

“I don't believe you.”

“Why, Dean,” Crowley is giving him his best _my-non-existent-feelings-are-hurt_ face. “You wound me.” Dean snorts.

Sam chooses this moment to step out of the shower, clad in a towel, with droplets of water glistening on his bare chest. He stops short upon seeing Crowley standing in the middle of the motel room with pie in one hand.

“Crowley.”

“Hello, Sasquatch.”

“What’s going on here?”

“Oh, don’t mind me. I was just leaving. Thought I’d bring a little something to - cheer up the troops. _Toodles!_ “ and the demon vanishes.

Sam faces his brother.”Dude, what the hell?”

Dean gives him a baffled look. “What? He brought pie.”

“Bribes-”

“It’s the principle of the thing, man-”

“Dean-”

“- you just don’t say ‘No’ to _pie_!”

Sam answers with his best bitch face instead.

  


~~~*~~*~~~

  
Pies made in heaven, all sweet and warm with traces of old countryside are the best tasting pies in the world.  
But pies made in hell are sinfully delicious, slightly spicy and leaves a tingle in your spine.

Dean leaves them both on the table, untouched, as he heads out the door with Sam in tow. He’ll figure out what to do with them later.

~~~*~~*~~~

Cas appears outside the abandoned cabin at the edge of the woods, just as Sam and Dean pull up.

They go in together, ready to ice the imp. Sam brandishes Ruby’s knife and tries to cut at the imp, only to be rewarded with a flying kick that sends him clear across the room, smashing into a table. Suddenly the imp pauses, sniffs the air and practically leers at Cas, leaping on him and trying to pull off his trench coat.

Cas's angel mojo may be gone. He's more human than angel now, but he has standards. They clearly don’t include an imp rubbing off on him, so he kicks the thing in the nuts. Howling, it rears backwards just as Dean is about to stab it and avoids the stake narrowly.

Missing his target and carried forward by momentum, Dean falls over nearly landing on Cas, turning at the last instant and hitting the floor next to the angel. As he struggles to get up, he notices that Sam is standing behind the imp, hands raised and ready to lay some serious demon-blood-induced smackdown on the creature.

Suddenly the imp is leaning over right in front of Dean, brandishing a pie in its hand. A creepy smile appears on its face.

Dean doesn't miss a beat as he stakes the damn thing through the heart.

The pie topples out of the imp's hand and lands on the floor with a _splat!_ Pieces of thick crust, chopped banana and crème mixed up with gooey, green imp blood ooze onto the floor. Tasty, thinks Dean with a shudder.

  


~~~*~~*~~~

  
Dean calls Bobby the minute he steps out of the cabin, and tells him about the weirdness of the situation. Bobby promises to look into it, and then tells him that he has some delicious apple pie if Dean would like some, and where's Cas by the way?

It takes Dean the effort of a thousand men holding up Mount Everest to not shoot himself. Or the phone. Either way, it would be just inconvenient and messy.

When he turns around to ask Cas if he knew what was going on, he discovers that the angel is no longer there. Again.

Typical.

  


~~~*~~*~~~

  
Back at the motel, Sam listens to Dean ranting about the weirdness of the situation very carefully.

Sam then whips out a blackberry pie, berry juice leaking out slightly from the cracks in its browned top crust, and offers it to Dean, before asking if Cas would be coming back soon.

Dean kicks Sam out. He's about had enough.

  


~~~*~~*~~~

  
After calling Castiel on the phone and telling him to “get your feather brained ass down here”, Dean hears the familiar flapping sound and Cas is standing in the motel room, looking dubiously at him as he tucks his phone back into his pocket.

Dean tries to explain the weirdness, the pie offerings, and the fact that everyone seems to want to jump Cas' bones and distract him with pie. He ends up sounding crazy and quite possibly jealous too.

He’s not sure how to handle it. Being jealous, of course. Sounding crazy is part of the job scope.

Cas looks at him curiously. “Is it a common reaction for humans to express jealousy over a pastry?”

Dean looks for a flat surface to smack his head onto. Sadly, from his position on the bed, the nearest reachable item is his pillow.

He wonders if he could suffocate himself with the pillow. Maybe he'll die and go to hell again and come back without this ridiculous feeling he's got in the pit of his stomach that does flip-flops every time he looks at Cas.

“Dean?”

The bed sinks slightly as Cas sits on the edge carefully, his eyes searching Dean's face. Cas isn't human, not fully, even though his vessel is, but of late, he's been trying to understand human emotions and feelings. Those emotions now play across his face.

“Screw this.” Dean utters aloud before he leans forward, grabbing Cas by the collar of his trench coat and pulling him in towards his own body.

Lips meet lips, and then Dean pulls away, hoping to God (if he hasn't decided to smite Dean for hitting on his angel) that Cas doesn't up and run. Because, well, hello, they’re both guys and even though angels are strictly asexual, Castiel's vessel is most definitely in male humanoid form.

Dean opens his mouth, apology and gruff words ready at the tip of his tongue. But before he can utter them, Cas reaches up with his hand and gently touches Dean's cheek before pulling him down for another kiss.

~~~*~~*~~~

Bobby calls back to tell him that Dean has been cursed by a witch, and that the spell somehow forces the people around Dean to lust after the object of his own unresolved emotional turmoil. Dean asks him to say it in English and Bobby calls him an _idjit_ and tells Dean that the curse forces people to distract him with his favorite item in order to steal whoever he’s lusting after. Which means that Dean and Cas have unresolved sexual tension, Dean loves pie, one plus one equals two and hence, everyone is trying to distract Dean with pie so that they can grab Cas.

Bobby ends it with “Just fuck each other already, damn it” and hangs up on Dean before he can tell him that he was just getting there. He shrugs and throws the phone aside and leans back down, pushing a third finger into Cas, who is busy marking Dean’s neck with his teeth. And doing something very amazing to his dick with his hands.

Dean gasps out “So if we do this, I won't be getting any more pies.” Cas answers him with “Would you like me to stop--” before Dean kisses the words out of his mouth, ending all arguments about the fate of the pies.

The other pies can wait.

Cas tastes of chocolate mousse pie topped with dipped strawberries; all sweet and rich, and his body practically melts against Dean’s.

It’s temptation, it’s delicious and it’s all there for Dean and only Dean, to savor.

Best pie ever.

  


**Author's Note:**

>   
>  __ **Disclaimer:** This is all just for creative fun. No profits to be made, or any harm intended towards the original owners or the individuals being depicted in the images.  
> 


End file.
